


It´s Hard But I Keep Loving Him

by splendid_sun



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Established Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, M/M, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, POV Katsuki Yuuri, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-04 02:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12761430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendid_sun/pseuds/splendid_sun
Summary: Yuuri tells a story about his relationship with Victor. How it started and how it continued? PLEASE READ AUTHORS NOTE FIRST.





	It´s Hard But I Keep Loving Him

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone. So usually I write something lighter than this, but.. I´ve seen that lot of people are trying here to cope with mental problems, disorders etc so I decided to give it a try. Except it´s not solely about me, since it´s not me who has these problems but my husband. This is actually a story of our two (me-Yuuri, him-Victor) and how is it to live with somebody with this diagnose. Almost everything in the story is true and I just hope it will help me a little bit since sometimes it really is hard.. hard to keep fighting.  
> Atypically, I have chosen Victor as the one who has problem, since I can better identify with Yuuri.

 

They met when he was still at the university. Victor was already working and because Yuuri was yet before writing his bachelor thesis, the "adult" world seemed awfully distant to him. Of course, he was already adult, but.. you know. Victor was older, Victor knew how to pay taxes, Victor cared about politics and watched news. If it weren´t their mutual friend who introduced them Yuuri probably wouldn´t even notice Victor. But luckily, they had met eventually. It didn´t took long and Victor confessed his feelings for Yuuri who happily accepted. And the rest is, as they say, history.

\--

Only month since then Yuuri ends up in hospital with serious disease. Fortunately, he somehow manages to heal himself and after another month was welcomed back home. Victor´s support helped a lot. He visited him almost every day despite not living in the same city. He is caring, he calls him every day, he even manages to sneak to his room what is definitely _not_ recommended. Yuuri is grateful and hopes that only good times are lying in front of them.

Of course it ends up differently, because that´s just life.

After half a year Yuuri notices that Victor is acting.. strange. He is _sad_. It´s not one- or two-day sadness when you are feeling blue and just want to stay under blanket and not care about anything or anyone. Yuuri has been there already; it will pass. Except.. this one doesn´t. Victor is grumpy, sleepy, cries a lot. Why? He probably doesn´t know since if he knew he would tell him already. It´s not easy to help someone who is miles away from you; still, Yuuri tries. He seeks advice everywhere. Finally he dares to say to Victor that he needs to see a doctor. Victor agrees and makes an appointment. He got his diagnose; his medication. It helps and Yuuri starts again noticing old Victor, _his_ Victor coming back.

He never says Victor that for some time he considered breaking up with him. That it was almost too much to handle. That he couldn´t see the future together with the burden of mental disease labeled on Victor. Yuuri is afraid - is too afraid about his own future. He already has family members who are mentally ill. He knows too much about handling these types of persons. It is not easy, it never _was_ easy to begin with.

But when medication helped, he felt a giant stone falling off his heart. Victor will be healthy again and it will be good. Why wouldn´t it be? He makes a decision and chooses his next pathway in life - life with Victor.

\--

Years passed. Yuuri finished his studies, Victor changes his job. _It´s for the best_ , according to the doctors. Yuuri is taking care of Victor. He observes him daily for any sign of returning his disease. He had to - he ordered it to himself. Nobody wants it from him, but Yuuri still does it. He lives for Victor, breathes for Victor. He almost forgets about his own life and own body. He didn´t tell Victor but is still not recovered after the disease. He needs more medical treatment. One operation follows another and Victor keeps standing by his side. Yuuri is grateful once again. Not just for his support but also because Victor didn´t blame him for not telling him. Finally, he starts to feel better. Much better. He is looking forward into their new life.

\--

They had married and the wedding was perfect. Nobody could deny it. They both were utterly happy. It was that kind of happiness you reach only once or twice in the lifetime. Till this day when Yuuri thinks about his wedding, he smiles for himself. _Happiness_. _It´s really great feeling._

\--

After a few months Yuuri realizes that living together is.. pretty tough, actually. Victor doesn´t like housework, he can´t cook a single meal and is obsessed with his stuff _no one_ is allowed to touch. That means, not even Yuuri. Yuuri thinks he is joking when Victor warns him to not even think about washing his clothes without asking him first. He still tries it. Victor finds out, of course. It´s not nice. It´s never nice when you fight with someone you actually love.

The next thing Yuuri founds out is that Victor is _extremely_ indecisive. He is not even able to decide simple things like which clothes to put on. Yuuri suddenly has to decide _everything._ In restaurant it´s always Yuuri who picks up the food for both of them. Yuuri decides about what are they doing on weekend or what bag should Victor take to the work. He even has to approve if Victor can eat or drink or going to toilet. It´s _so_ tiring. There are days when he feels tired right after he wakes up. When he is telling these stories to Phichit or Yuri or Otabek, they just laugh. No one believes it is true. For Yuuri, it´s not funny anymore.

Victor likes his rituals; they calm him. He always eats only from one particular bowl, despite being grown-up man; he hates surprises and gifts and unexpected situations. When they want to go to the theatre, Yuuri must find out the explicit time duration of performance, otherwise Victor wouldn´t come. He would be too nervous and always asking when it would end. He needs precise data. If Yuuri wants to talk with him about something serious, he must prepare him first. That can take days. Or weeks. Or months. It depends on Victor. He must decide if he is ready to talk about something. Yuuri just had to respect it. And wait and hope for the best.

When they are going for a trip, Victor asks trillion times where are they going, when they will be back and what they will doing all day. Yuuri sighs and feels like a exhausted parent of five-year old hyperactive child. He takes a deep breath and for trillion and first-time answers the questions. People sitting around them are looking. Of course they are. Whenever they are in grocery store, by doctor´s or somewhere else, they keep looking. And whispering. Yuuri hates it. He wishes to tell them to fuck themselves and let them live their life. Only he knows that today is Victor´s good day. When he has a bad day, he doesn´t talk at all. Not even with Yuuri. But when they are coming back from the trip, Victor snuggles to him and falls asleep; and Yuuri knows everything is okay. For now.

Months pass when he dares to tell Victor that maybe he needs to visit his doctor again. Victor refuses. He is very, _very_ stubborn. It can be years when he admits to himself about it. Yuuri doesn´t have so many time to waste, but he doesn´t want to left Victor alone. There are times when it gets better; but also times when it´s going worse. Victor is not comfortable with people, so Yuuri tends to stay with him at home. His friends ask, his parents ask, Victor´s parents ask. He always says something like Victor is not feeling well, we are sick, we don´t have time to come.. By looking at his husband he sees that Victor is glad that Yuuri stayed at home with him. Yuuri likes his friends and family, very much, but he has already chosen once. He has chosen Victor. It just.. hurts. Sometimes.

\--

Despite everything, Yuuri still finds Victor adorable. He is that type of person who easily forgives. Everyone knows that. And Yuuri knows that Victor really loves him. He sees his love in those small gestures like already prepared breakfast; or Victor making him too-sweat cocoa (despite telling him million times that one spoon of sugar is enough, Victor always gave him more, because he likes it that way more); Victor taking care of him when he is sick; Victor never forgetting a single one of their small anniversaries; Victor always buying him his favourite sweets..

Victor tries, and tries hard to keep their wedding oath. He realizes himself that life with him isn´t easy. But Yuuri stands by his side in good and bad and so do Victor. Yuuri sees that slowly, very slowly Victor starts to open up more, more to him, more to other people, more to the unknown. But it´s scary. Of course it is. Yuuri is already used to Victor who starts hugging him from nowhere and trembles. He is afraid. He always says that without Yuuri he would be lost. Yuuri knows that.

Victor is asking a lot if Yuuri still loves him. Yuuri reassures him every time. Regardless of day, night or hour. He knows that kisses or sex are not enough. Victor needs to hear it. Daily.

Yuuri sees it, he sees the love between them. How come anyone else doesn´t see it? Why they don´t see it? Why everyone keeps asking him things he doesn´t want to hear? Why they don´t let them in peace? Why..? Why is life such a bitch sometimes?

Yuuri is just a mere human and sometimes he really feels his nutshell crack. Sometimes he needs to cry, yell or hit something. It surprises him at first, but now he knows it´s okay. Emotions are natural. Love is natural and anger is natural, too. And also frustration and hope. It´s just hard to experience all of this at once. Is this normal in marriage? Is this love?

\--

"So, how ´re you doing?" asks Mari when Yuuri comes with Victor to Hasetsu to celebrate his father´s birthday. She lights up her cigarette, opens up the window and blows the smoke away. From downstairs can be heard laughter and music. Victor stayed there watching television while he decided to check his old room for a second.

Yuuri looks at her. Of course she´d notice. She has seen him at his best and at his worst. She is not blind. Nobody is that blind.

"It´s hard," he says; and that is true. He has already learned he can admit it to himself without feeling guilty or useless.

But he knows that he will keep loving Victor.

Because that is also true.

**Author's Note:**

> So that is story of my life.. I guess no further words are needed. Thank you for reading.


End file.
